Tay Tay's Mom Has Got It Going On

August 3, 2012

In the early hours is when the contractions got really bad. Daddy was asleep so I tried to bear it on my own as much as I could. There were a few times when I needed to hold his hand so badly. It didn’t take away the pain but just having him support me in that way was… soothing in a way. He only woke up a few times when I called out his name. Otherwise it was just me dealing with it. Grandma came back after she was off work and it was nice to have her there to support me too. Daddy finally got up and then grandma laid down to rest since she’d been up all night working and checking on me through the night calling to see how I was doing. It was nice having daddy be awake to hold my hand through the contractions every few minutes. Eventually he left me to find something to eat but this time I had grandma as company while he was away. He came back and kept me company again for a little while before your God mother showed up and daddy kept her company a few times. Eventually the contraction were just too close together for me to withstand the pain and I asked for an epidural. It was around 3 (just 5 hours before you were born, little did I know) so I did pretty well resisting the pain. Your aunt Daja called me to talk to me and ask a bunch of questions about what was going on and how I was feeling. Unfortunately not much later I noticed the epidural wearing off. Turns out, the one I had, had a leak in it. So the medicine wasn’t getting where it needed to go. This time the pain was excruciating. I couldn’t bear it at all. And unfortunately for me, the anesthesiologist was in a surgery doing a C Section so I had to wait for what seemed an eternity to get a new epidural. Luckily, when she finally did come, the second epidural worked as it was supposed to. This time I went straight to sleep. When I woke up I had dilated to 9 cm. Just one away from being able to push you out. And I felt it. I felt you trying to push your way down. All the pressure of my body wanting to push you out. I prepared myself to push and I prayed I could do it quickly. I hoped I could get you out safely and quickly so I could hold you. So I could know you were ok. And just a few short pushes you were here! My baby girl was finally here. At 8:22 pm I finally got you out. It was the best feeling I’ve ever experienced. I cried; I was so happy! It was the best moment of my life. 

August 2, 2012

My water broke at like 8 am. But of course, me being me, I had no idea that was what happened. I thought I was bleeding initially so I ran to the bathroom and checked but when I didn’t see anything I just thought I was imagining things. I went back to sleep and about a half an hour later I felt the same feeling that I was bleeding but this time when I stood up there was a gush of liquid rushing down my leg. I woke up daddy and told him I thought my water broke and at first he panicked but then I calmed him down and we decided to try and be sure it was really happening so I laid down for a while to see if the water would collect like the pregnancy book said. Now, because I hadn’t been having contractions, I didn’t think it was really my water breaking. And eventually I called your great aunt Courtney to take me to the hospital to check. Mind you, it was around 10:30 at this point. Your grandma had called me and told me it most likely was my water and just because I wasn’t contracting didn’t mean it couldn’t happen. So I went to the emergency room, they checked my vital signs and then off they took me to the maternity ward. (Side note: Daddy is amused easily so it fascinated him when they ran the little scanner across my forehead.) Once I got up there, daddy and aunt Courtney had to wait outside and I was brought to a room to be examined. I had to wait a long time for whatever reason before the midwife came in and checked me. After they confirmed that it was amniotic fluid but I had not dilated any they started the process of admitting me. They let daddy in the room and we sat for a while again waiting for someone to take me to the room where I would deliver. Then it was me and daddy in the room for a while. Nurses came in hooking me up to monitors and things. Then your uncle Najee showed up. But he couldn’t come into the room because only 3 people were allowed in as long as I was in there before I delivered you. So daddy went out and waited with him. Then when he finally came back, your grandma came in. Daddy left and sat with Uncle Najee again and grandma sat with me until she had to go to work. Eventually daddy came back after Najee left and he ate something then we waited for daddy’s mommy to come. After she came and left it was around 9:30 pm and I still hadn’t dilated but I had started contracting. So it was just daddy and I the rest of the night. The contractions starting getting bad around 2 am and daddy was asleep so I had to tough it out on my own for a lot of the time. The medicine that was supposed to help me dilate fell out so they had to put a new one in a little after 9 pm and it wasn’t supposed to come out for 12 hours before they would induce me. So, that was my first night of labor.

I’ll never forget the day. May 29th of 2012. I just wanted to hear 2 things, that you were healthy and if you were a boy or a girl. Then they let me hear one more thing. Your heart. I couldn’t help but smile. It was an uncontrollable reflex. I smiled like a goofy idiot. Hearing your heart working, and knowing how tiny it and you were, it was so wonderful. So real. Knowing that what I was hearing was one of the few things you will always have inside you keeping you alive, it was just… the most amazing feeling. It was fast and quiet. I couldn’t believe my ears. It was the first time I would hear anything, or any part, of you. :) 

    From the minute I took the test and we knew for sure, I urged your dad that it was time to tell our families. He of course was scared. He didn’t want to disappoint his mother. I could empathize with him but I knew we shouldn’t wait but he didn’t quite understand that because he didn’t say anything until May 9th. He’d delayed it for 6 months. And I hadn’t had any prenatal care. Not even vitamins. But you were fine. And I was fine. We both were healthy. And I’m truly blessed because so much could have been wrong.

    On May 30th, we found out you were a girl. I’ll admit, I wanted a boy but when I found out, I was elated. I’ll never forget the look on your daddy’s face. He was so happy. He looked like a proud papa. Even despite the way he felt when you were first conceived, when we decided to keep you, he fell in love with you. He loves you so much. He talks to you and rubs my belly hoping to feel you kick. You respond to him nearly every time he touches my belly or speaks to you. I can already tell you’re going to be daddy’s little girl. He can’t wait to hold you in his arms. And neither can I.

      It was the beginning of December. I was alone because your dad had to go to California. I was freaking out because I was a few days late for my period. I told your dad that I was considering that I was pregnant because I was NEVER late. He was quiet, he stopped responding for a moment. I knew he was scared too. He told me we’d have to get rid of you if I was pregnant. When he got home a few days later, he really just wanted to find a way out. But what I was afraid to tell him was that I didn’t really want to. I was fighting with the way I felt about abortion. I didn’t dislike it but it wasn’t for me. I personally thought, for me, it was something I couldn’t do. In January, we were sure I was pregnant but I’d just gotten a pregnancy test and when I took it, it was positive. I have to say, when I first found out I was gonna have you, I didn’t know how to feel. I felt a lot of things. I was disappointed. I was sad. I was happy, scared, unsure and even confused. I was disappointed in myself for allowing it to happen before I was ready for you, before I was married. I was sad at knowing that it would disappoint my family and daddy’s family. I was scared because I didn’t know how I was going to provide for you. I was confused at why I was feeling so many things. I was unsure about how your father would react and if I would even keep you. But of all those things I felt, I was happy. I was happy because I loved you so much and you hadn’t taken a breath or even had a heartbeat. I was happy in spite of everything I was going to have to go through because I knew that it would all be worth it for you. All the ridicule and struggle I’d have to put up with wouldn’t hurt me because of you.